Baby Spicer no. 2! Isn’t she sweet? She’s 14 oz. and perfectly healthy. I’m 21 weeks and the projected due date is still my birthday–December 9! And, well, yah she’s a SHE!
It’s wonderful to know these things. She’s healthy, we get to see her lovely face, we got to watch her wiggle and jiggle. We know developmentally that she is right on, we have a for-real due date, and we know she’s a she! Why does that information of knowing the sex of the unborn child feel so heavy? The torture of not knowing feels so unbearable. Knowing feels like such a relief. But, what is relieving? Knowing what color to buy? It’s more than that. I think it promises an illusion of control. It says that now I can really dream about what the rest of our life will be like. Now I know whether or not it’ll be a football player or a baton-twirler… I can prepare myself.
On the way to our appointment yesterday morning, this burden felt so heavy and dramatic. I’m about to find out what the sibling dynamic in our house will be for the rest of our life! It will be cat-fighting sisters…. or… it will be sweet, handsome younger brother/bossy older sister… The thing is that I know the brother/sister dynamic. I don’t know the sister/sister dynamic. I pretty much know how a brother and sister get along. What about two sisters, though? What do I know about raising TWO daughters?! What will I do when they yell that they hate each other? What will I do when they fight over friends and boys?! I don’t know!!!! I now know what I can’t control. More fear is created!
What adds to the oppression of this knowledge is also the “decision” we have made for this to be it. This pregnancy alongside baby Sophia has been so tiring and so hard. It’s impossible for me right now to imagine being pregnant and chasing around TWO. But, the weight of that decision feels too final. It felt okay to make the decision before we knew that this decision would mean we’d never have a son. It doesn’t have to be final…
Will has had the best encouragement. He said that God gives us what we need and what we’ll be great at. Right now, there’s two beautiful, lovely baby girls that need a strong, caring father and a sympathetic, loving mommy. I may not be able to imagine myself the parent of two cat-fighting sisters… but, I don’t have to. God gives us babies. And, He makes us into Mommies.