Sophia loves Daddy

Sophia and I had the sweetest conversation after Daddy left this morning.

Sophia: Da-da bye-bye. Da-Da (kissy noise, kissy noise) mo–(Daddy’s gone. Kiss Daddy more.)

Me: Dada may not have left yet.  Go downstairs and see.

Sophia after running downstairs: DA-DA! No!

Me after going downstairs: Let’s look outside and see if he’s gone.

Sophia: Bye-Bye Da-Da

Sophia after shutting the door: Da-da go ow-shi. (kissy noise, kissy noise) Da-da mo–Daddy went outside. Kiss Daddy more.

sophia helped me cook

hilarious play with Sophia

Sophia’s language is blowing up.  She’s coming up with new words and stringing more words together all the time.  It’s so fun to see.  Her pronunciation is pretty terrible, but she’s definitely got strings of sounds associated for different things.  The worst is probably “dutch” for chair.  Not really sure why she says it quite like that…

I witnessed a pretty fun pretend playtime today.  Sophia loves to play “diaper change.” Basically she takes any babydoll or stuffed animal she has and says “Baby, poo poo.”  Then she goes and gets a diaper and diaper cream and baby powder and pretends to change the babydoll.  Well, lately she’s been talking about her Bear.  While I was nursing Abby this morning, this is what I heard Sophia saying:

“Beh, nie nie.” (Bear, night night.) She lays him down and covers him up with a burp cloth.

“Beh, why. Shhh, shhh.” (Bear is crying.) She rocks him and makes a sad face and shushes him.

“Pupsh off.” (Please take it off.) She points to the bear’s collar and hands him to me.

“Beh, poo poo.” (Bear went poo poo.) She lays him down and goes and gets one of Abby’s diapers.  She spends minutes trying to get it on him. After it’s wrapped up something silly, she says, “Yay! Beh, nie nie.” She rocks him for a few seconds.

“Beh, poo poo… Fah… Beh fah.” (Bear pooped.  Bear farted.)  I laugh.  “Bear farted?” I say.

“Ya!  Ha ha.  Beh fah! Ha ha!  Mom-ma fah!  Ha ha.  Ab-bey fah!  Ha ha. Momma fah! “ This goes on and on.

Don’t ask me how she learned the word fart! No, I’ll tell you.  She came back from Mammaw and Papa’s knowing a bunch of new words and one of them was fart!  So, we’ll blame the dirty vocabulary on them!  Ha!  The first time she said it, she said it after she farted, “Fah!” After clarifying that she did indeed say fart, we couldn’t stop laughing and she wouldn’t stop saying it.    Well, I guess we encouraged it because now she says it all the time!

weakness revealed in the waiting

2:00 p.m. My most difficult hour.  Abby is cranky and tired.  It’s time for Sophia’s nap.  I’m at the end of my patience.  I’d like some time to myself. Today at 2:00 I laid down Sophia and picked up Abby.  No big deal.  No nap for me today. I feed Abby.  I soothe her.  I lay her down.  The fussing begins.  I take myself downstairs and I notice my shoulders are tight, my neck is stiff and my mind is racing with worry.  I say to myself that I’ll get a snack, lay on the couch, try to chill out while I wait for her to stop crying.  The thing is I’m not hungry. I’m worried, I’m unbelievably stressed out, and I want immediate comfort and solace.  What I really want is for someone to tell me, “Don’t worry.  She’ll go to sleep soon.” (Sometimes I text Da-da and he tells me that.  Thanks, Da-da.)

I do this a lot.  I reach for a snack as I wait for her to fall asleep.  I reach for a snack after she falls asleep wondering if this is for real.  I reach for a snack when 30 minutes has passed because she could wake up any minute.

I think what is revealed in my time of waiting on Abby to fall asleep is my complete inability to control this situation.  I cannot make her go to sleep.  I can’t guarantee that she’ll sleep for any amount of time.  I can’t make sure Sophia stays asleep, either.  I can’t control these babies!  So as I wait for her to fall asleep, I worry; I reach for my quickest comfort, and I don’t receive comfort at all.  My girls’ naptimes are often wasted with worry and pacing and indecision.  I can just snack, I don’t need time or energy for that.

This post isn’t about over-eating.  I realize my weakness to snack when I’m stressed, and I must give myself grace here.  Awareness of that tendency is the biggest battle.  What this post is about, though, is that there’s something in my waiting time that I need to pay attention to.  Something has been making me so stressed, irritable and cranky.  I think it may simply be that my day is not mine to control.  I may be able to control parts of it, but I cannot control my children.  Abby will sleep when she sleeps, and Sophia will act how she’s going to act.  I can help Abby sleep, and I can discipline and help Sophia’s behavior.  But, I cannot control them.  I can’t make Abby sleep, and I can’t make Sophia be still during a diaper change or not throw a tantrum as we’re trying to leave the house.

This waiting is revelatory if I pause and take note.  This waiting reveals my need to control and my inability to do it.  This waiting reveals my weakness and my need for the Father.

I was reminded of 2 Chronicles 7:14.

“If My people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land.”

As I wait for Abby to fall asleep, I want to humble myself (I cannot control this situation.), pray (Lord, be with me.  Help me trust You.), seek His face (He is with me.  He is trustworthy.), and turn from my worry and need to be in control (He is in control.) He will forgive me and heal me.

That feels like a deep breath.  Lord, give me a deep breath.

pulling my hair out

I’ve just spent the last 2 1/2 hours holding a fussy 7 week-old. Ugh.  Every time I set her down or put her down to nap she’d scream like somebody pinched her.  I put her on the breast every 30 minutes when everything else failed.  I tried rocking her to sleep, feeding her to sleep, she won’t take a pacifier… I don’t know, am I terribly impatient?  Her crying grates on my nerves, and after 2 hours I’m done.  After many of my own tears, I finally just laid her down and walked out of the room.  I looked at the clock and said, “I’m not going back in there until 3:00.”  That would’ve been like 13 minutes later.  I haven’t been able to take her crying lately.  A few minutes of crying in the crib, and I feel like I have to rush to get her.  Only it doesn’t help when I rush to get her.  Somehow, I seem to make matters worse.  The more times I go get her, the harder it is for her to fall asleep.  She cannot, will not fall asleep on me.  I don’t know.  Do I overstimulate her or do I smell too yummy and she can’t take it?  Maybe, I’m just too impatient.

So, Abby just fell asleep at 2:55.  She cried 7 minutes.  That’s not that long.  The thing is that I never know how long it will be, and these thoughts keep running through my head like, “This is it. She’ll never go to sleep. This will last all day and evening. I’ll never get a break. What’s wrong with me?” It’s so much harder for me to take the crying this second time around.  Sophia had to cry herself to sleep; it’s the only way she would go to sleep.  I guess that seems to be the case with Abby, too, but it’s just so dang hard to listen to it when I feel so helpless to do anything about it.  And, it’s especially hard when I’ve got a cranky toddler getting into everything, being needy and defiant all while the baby cries.  And, getting them to sleep at the same time?!  Could there be anything more stressful?  I think I need to take that pressure off of myself.  It’s just too difficult.  I wonder if my stress is noticeable to her?

I need some ME time. Why is this parenting thing so hard?  Why are newborns so difficult?

We took some pictures the other day and this morning when things weren’t hellish.  I hope you enjoy them.