pulling my hair out

I’ve just spent the last 2 1/2 hours holding a fussy 7 week-old. Ugh.  Every time I set her down or put her down to nap she’d scream like somebody pinched her.  I put her on the breast every 30 minutes when everything else failed.  I tried rocking her to sleep, feeding her to sleep, she won’t take a pacifier… I don’t know, am I terribly impatient?  Her crying grates on my nerves, and after 2 hours I’m done.  After many of my own tears, I finally just laid her down and walked out of the room.  I looked at the clock and said, “I’m not going back in there until 3:00.”  That would’ve been like 13 minutes later.  I haven’t been able to take her crying lately.  A few minutes of crying in the crib, and I feel like I have to rush to get her.  Only it doesn’t help when I rush to get her.  Somehow, I seem to make matters worse.  The more times I go get her, the harder it is for her to fall asleep.  She cannot, will not fall asleep on me.  I don’t know.  Do I overstimulate her or do I smell too yummy and she can’t take it?  Maybe, I’m just too impatient.

So, Abby just fell asleep at 2:55.  She cried 7 minutes.  That’s not that long.  The thing is that I never know how long it will be, and these thoughts keep running through my head like, “This is it. She’ll never go to sleep. This will last all day and evening. I’ll never get a break. What’s wrong with me?” It’s so much harder for me to take the crying this second time around.  Sophia had to cry herself to sleep; it’s the only way she would go to sleep.  I guess that seems to be the case with Abby, too, but it’s just so dang hard to listen to it when I feel so helpless to do anything about it.  And, it’s especially hard when I’ve got a cranky toddler getting into everything, being needy and defiant all while the baby cries.  And, getting them to sleep at the same time?!  Could there be anything more stressful?  I think I need to take that pressure off of myself.  It’s just too difficult.  I wonder if my stress is noticeable to her?

I need some ME time. Why is this parenting thing so hard?  Why are newborns so difficult?

We took some pictures the other day and this morning when things weren’t hellish.  I hope you enjoy them.