weakness revealed in the waiting

2:00 p.m. My most difficult hour.  Abby is cranky and tired.  It’s time for Sophia’s nap.  I’m at the end of my patience.  I’d like some time to myself. Today at 2:00 I laid down Sophia and picked up Abby.  No big deal.  No nap for me today. I feed Abby.  I soothe her.  I lay her down.  The fussing begins.  I take myself downstairs and I notice my shoulders are tight, my neck is stiff and my mind is racing with worry.  I say to myself that I’ll get a snack, lay on the couch, try to chill out while I wait for her to stop crying.  The thing is I’m not hungry. I’m worried, I’m unbelievably stressed out, and I want immediate comfort and solace.  What I really want is for someone to tell me, “Don’t worry.  She’ll go to sleep soon.” (Sometimes I text Da-da and he tells me that.  Thanks, Da-da.)

I do this a lot.  I reach for a snack as I wait for her to fall asleep.  I reach for a snack after she falls asleep wondering if this is for real.  I reach for a snack when 30 minutes has passed because she could wake up any minute.

I think what is revealed in my time of waiting on Abby to fall asleep is my complete inability to control this situation.  I cannot make her go to sleep.  I can’t guarantee that she’ll sleep for any amount of time.  I can’t make sure Sophia stays asleep, either.  I can’t control these babies!  So as I wait for her to fall asleep, I worry; I reach for my quickest comfort, and I don’t receive comfort at all.  My girls’ naptimes are often wasted with worry and pacing and indecision.  I can just snack, I don’t need time or energy for that.

This post isn’t about over-eating.  I realize my weakness to snack when I’m stressed, and I must give myself grace here.  Awareness of that tendency is the biggest battle.  What this post is about, though, is that there’s something in my waiting time that I need to pay attention to.  Something has been making me so stressed, irritable and cranky.  I think it may simply be that my day is not mine to control.  I may be able to control parts of it, but I cannot control my children.  Abby will sleep when she sleeps, and Sophia will act how she’s going to act.  I can help Abby sleep, and I can discipline and help Sophia’s behavior.  But, I cannot control them.  I can’t make Abby sleep, and I can’t make Sophia be still during a diaper change or not throw a tantrum as we’re trying to leave the house.

This waiting is revelatory if I pause and take note.  This waiting reveals my need to control and my inability to do it.  This waiting reveals my weakness and my need for the Father.

I was reminded of 2 Chronicles 7:14.

“If My people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land.”

As I wait for Abby to fall asleep, I want to humble myself (I cannot control this situation.), pray (Lord, be with me.  Help me trust You.), seek His face (He is with me.  He is trustworthy.), and turn from my worry and need to be in control (He is in control.) He will forgive me and heal me.

That feels like a deep breath.  Lord, give me a deep breath.

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4 Responses

  1. Thank You for this reflection, I resonate. I will pray for you when I am feeling out of control. I am glad I am not alone.

  2. Thanks for the honest peek into your day and the crazy thoughts we all have but don’t take the time to analyze it to reveal our(my) true lack of trust in God. Thanks because lots of reasons, but mostly because I miss my family and I like to know whats up.

  3. What beautiful thoughts! Please keep them coming as you have time. I am so challenged and encouraged by your heart, as once again I feel like I resonate so much! I actually linked to this post in my most recent blog post. Love you!

  4. I wish you lived closer–I’d have Sophia over here to play with Anna. They’d have fun!

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