Rethinking my parenting style

That last post is actually from a few days ago… I’m finally opening back up the laptop and catching up…  I just hit publish because I thought it might inform where we’ve been and where we’re going (hopefully).

What a week.

I don’t feel like I can keep up.  This week: A 104.3 fever.  A call to poison control after a Tylenol incident.  Bite marks on Abby’s foot.  Keys in an electrical outlet.  Dealing with, “YOU NEVER LET ME DO ANYTHING?!”  Overhearing, “I’m gonna cut your head off, Abby!”  Putting Abby in time-out for hitting me with a book while yelling, “Hit!”

I think I may have plateaued on the hill of how much parenting sucks sometimes.

Hey, it’s good birth control.  Call in that vasectomy.  Stat.

I’m in a fog this morning.  Overwhelmed with where we are (i.e. where I am with these kids).  I mean, how is it that they’re 3 and 1 1/2 and I suddenly feel like I woke up with two crazy wild kids and when did it start getting so difficult.  Let me tell you something, parents-with-kids-less-than-3-years-old: Don’t fear the terrible-twos.  They ain’t nothing!  Nobody told me what 3 was like…  Mouthy, sassy, independent, boundary pushing, button pushing little monsters…

Okay, okay…  that’s enough.  Sophia’s figuring out who she is, how she fits in, what to do with herself.  That’s that.  I need to take control.

We actually started a new plan, yesterday.  I realized that I have sluggishly fallen back into a natural parenting style (post 18-months ago) that is not only lazy and ineffective but also counterproductive and bringing the worst out in my daughter.  Yes, I believe that part of my daughter’s behavior is my problem, too.

She’s probably gonna yell at me if I yell at her.  She’s probably going to swing at me when she’s mad, if I occasionally spank her when I’m angry…  She’s probably going to cower when I say, “I want to talk to you” if I’m always focusing on what she does wrong.  She’s probably going to yell and back-talk if I always answer negatively to her requests…

Yah, I’m being negative.  Coupled with not enough sleep and a touch of illness, our attitudes and behavior have snowballed out of control for both of us.  By the way, I just found this book at the library.  I’ve got it on reserve.  Anybody read it?

After another great conversation with my Mom, Will and I started something new with Sophia, yesterday.  Basically it’s a behavior therapy program.  It’s very similar to the therapy that I did with preschoolers with autism.  Sophia is rewarded for good behavior with stickers and get’s a prize of some sort when she gets so many stickers.  We ignore bad behaviors (for the most part… still working that out.)  So, 5 stickers gets her a treat or a show and 25 gets her something really special like ice cream or a movie night.

It has COMPLETELY turned around her behavior (and mine, honestly).  She hasn’t had a single tantrum since we started (less than 24 hours ago… but, that’s saying something lately.)  She also hasn’t back-talked or hit or been mean or anything.

I tell you what, though, it’s been completely exhausting pre-empting her every move, ready to reward every little positive thing.  It’s so alternative to my nature.  My nature is to focus on the negative, to nit-pick, to expect perfection and judge every detail that doesn’t measure up.  I know this about my sinful nature… It’s not pretty.  It’s been exhausting trying to find ways for her to “help” me so that she can get rewarded.  This is having on my “A-game” every minute, and it is REAL HARD!  But, this is parenting.  And, I’m learning about parenting my 3-year old.  What works and what doesn’t.  What seems to be productive for us to relate to each other and for her to learn.   What I was doing was shutting her down emotionally and sending her into desperate behavior measures…

Now, we’re not going to do this reward system until she’s 15… My hope is that it will remarkably turn around her behavior in just a few days or weeks, and then we can drop it for a more natural verbal system of rewards for good behavior–kind of re-train both of us.  What it’s doing for me is changing my focus.  I’m now focusing on everything that she is doing RIGHT.  Having such a positive attitude is helping her also focus on what she’s doing right and how pleased mommy is with her.  Her attitude is COMPLETELY different.  She keeps telling me how much she loves me, asking what she can do to help me or if I will do things with her, smiling again, and just altogether acting happy.

It’s worth the hard work.  I can change my natural inclination to parent as a perfection expect-er….  

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4 Responses

  1. Love this! filing it away for later 😉

  2. I’ve never read the book, but I think I want to look it up to read; it looks really interesting. I am also looking for a different method for dealing with my daughter’s impulses: hitting & throwing things (either at me or something).

    Most of the time I would try to say to myself that this day would be good, and within 30 minutes of waking up she’s throwing something.

    She could be wanting more attention or maybe needs an outlet to spend her energy. I’m still trying to figure it out. But the method that you’re working with seems to be working with your daughter; I think I’m going to implement something similar with mine.

  3. Aww. I’m so sorry that you guys have been struggling. Maybe there’s something in the air right now. The last few days with Oliver have just been awful too. I’m at a loss of what to do as well.

    I’m glad you guys have found something that seems to be working for you. Hopefully by the time we meet up in another week(!) we’ll have two very different children with us…otherwise we may both run screaming into the mountains, never to be seen again.

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